FriedMind's adventures in the real world

Life the Universe and Everything

2004-12-11T10:42:00.000-04:00

Wow its been a long time since I posted anything. I have some good excuses though. We moved house to a nicer place with wood heat instead of electric which sucks your bank balance dry each month, we got a new ISP and I was off while I waited for the DSL package to get here...and found the computer in the maze of boxes that was my living room...plus my wife has been around and I cant really post things about her, us and everything else with her home can I?

Ok so whats going on...I had to cancel my appointment with my family doc...I will have to reschedule. Need to find out from him if I ever had anything that would have been enough to make him say "I think you might have MS". If not then I am going to talk to a lawyer and sue NN's butt off.

Nothing has changed with my wife and I. I was kind of hoping that this could be a fresh start for us but really nothing changed at all. Maybe in time, once we have split, she might come to realise that I was actually willing to work on things and make them better. She seems to be content to simply make do and plod along day to day. Sounds fine in theory but you only get one life to live and I need more than that. Call me selfish but personally I think I have earned that right...and if you don't agree well nuts to you LOL.

Jobs - well I should be supply teaching for the local high schools fairly soon. I am also applying for good jobs in England. I would really love to get home...especially because it is winter here and the snow is starting to fly. People complain about British weather but right now I'd take the rain any day over this sludge...uck!

Have post-poned my trip to England until January..am very slowly starting to seperate our finances..basically just making what is mine..mine as opposed to ours...I guess in my mind we are already over. Thing is she doesn't seem to care. It's all very depressing but then the MS thing really opened my eyes...if she isn't there for me through something like that..and in truth it seemed like she could have cared less (she went on vacation for God's sake), then she is not there for me at all. What's almost funny is that she doesn't seem to realise the implications of what she is doing...its all far too screwed up.

Marriage...What a mess

2004-11-20T15:56:00.000-04:00

So now that I have the MS scare out of my head for a while I can concentrate on the other mess in my life...my marriage. Those who have read the earliest posts will have a rough idea of what is going on and those who haven't should, otherwise your 30second blogexplosion visit is going to be very confusing.

Wife got back fro city of Farfaraway and nothing seems to have changed. We got into it that night, I told her again that I wanted things to improve or to end and bizarrely enough she doesn't seem to care. I would have thought that a person might be insulted by the ultimatum but once you move beyond that you need to decide what you are going to do. She was picked up and driven home from the airport by this guy she is always calling and I rather suspect that's where she is now also. We got a new dog and she wanted to take him to the park but yet she waited until 330pm which is 30mins before "Steve" gets off work. She also called "steve" earlier while I was out and he called back and hung-up when I answered the phone. In addition she insists on taking the dog alone...Its really kind of pathetic.

I truly wish she would just be honest and tell me the truth. If she wants out then simply tell me...I will get over it. At this point it is the deception that hurts more than whatever she might be doing with this guy...Its been going on too long. In my more paranoid moments I have even considered hiring a P.I to follow her.

We had a conversation before she left with the dog. I told her that if nothing is going on between her and "steve" then there is no need for her or he to hide. If he wants to call then go ahead...if she wants to call him then go ahead. From the start the thing that has bothered me more than anything else is the fact that she feels the need to hide this. After all, if its all innocent then there is nothing to hide is there? I would really appreciate someone reading the first post I ever made and then commenting on this...am I just being a jealous paranoid jerk?

Now THATS what we want to see.

2004-11-16T21:19:00.000-04:00

Is Rice REALLY that boring???

Nasty Lawsuit for Nasty Neurologist

2004-11-16T21:01:00.000-04:00

Nasty Neurologist may soon have an excuse to be in an even nastier mood. I called the college of phsyicians to find out if him telling me I might have MS (with no symptoms??!?!?) was a little out there. They advised me that he has to send a report back to my family doctor. Am going to make an appointment and go talk to him...if he says its as messed up as I think it is then I am going to go find a lawyer.

Much as I hate to turn this into a political blog I am still in shock, disgusted and appalled that Dubya managed to get re-elected. More than his truly TERRIBLE foreign policy stance, he is just embarrassing to watch. If you have ever watched Mr Bean and had to cringe at some of the situations then you know what I am talking about. Bush in a press conference makes me want to crawl into a hole in the ground. I feel truly sorry for his communications office those guys must need daily therapy!

updates

2004-11-16T13:58:00.000-04:00

well got my name back on the postings, still no back button on the archives or comments and I STILL can't get these stupid graphics to load. Serves me right for thinking I was so clever going out and finding a template...downloading it was so easy too and the rest was fairly easy as well. Little did the designer know he would be catering to morons... aka me. Grrr...if anyone is feeling generous pls email me and help me out with this mess? I'm not above begging :D

HELP ME!!!

2004-11-16T08:05:00.000-04:00

Ok so as you can all see I have made some changes to the site. I thought that the blogger template was a little dull and I seem to have made a right pigs-ear of it. So I am begging and grovelling for anyone who knows anything about html to send me an email here. I can't get the header to work (and yes I uploaded the images to a server) and I seem to have 10'000 little bugs. So if you have a spare 30mins PLEASE email me!!! :D

So Now What?

2004-11-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

So I just got back from my delightful visit with NN (nasty neurologist). After sitting there for15mins waiting for him to show up and then another 5mins waiting for him to finish doing whatever it is he is doing in his office, he finally calls me in. He then proceeds to beat around the bush for the next five mins asking me questions he already knows the answers to, asking me to describe things I have already described. The whole time I am sitting there silently screaming "will you PLEASE get to the freaking point and tell me if I have this or not? Then he tells me and wow...relief. I do not have MS and there no change to the lesion on my brain since the last MRI. He hums and hah's a bit more..we do some pointless reflex tests and while he is filling out paper-work I ask why he thought it might be MS in the first place. Well..says he, usually strokes are something that happens to older people. Plus in your case you has the loss of sense of smell. Now hold on just a minute...I had a stroke to the brain-stem with a 10% chance of survival. I was given clot busting drugs to restore the bloodflow and I somehow managed to survive with little or no after-effects. I am sure there is a ton of material in my medical records detailing this. I was sent to this guy because I was having headaches again which turned out to be a sinus infection but that was resolved beforeI ever saw him. So when I showed up in his office the first time I was symptom free...nothing wrong with me except I had lost my sense of smell. And its on THIS basis that he tells me he thinks I might have MS????? I go through four months of waiting for an MRI and another three weeks of waiting for the results over nothing???? I'm pissed! I went through hell reading every website I could find, researching, learning, worrying about my future. My thesis has sat untouched for the longest time because I couldn't think of anything else. And the only reason he thought it might be MS in the first place was that strokes usually happen to older people???? Now he IS a Neurologist so I am going to give him some leeway here but seriously guys if its just a slight suspicion with a tiny chance did you REALLY have to tell me? Why not simply say I think we should do another MRI just to check on the lesions on your brain? Why put me through that hell when I hadn't even exhibited a symptom? Of course he IS a Neurologist so when I was reading the MS sites and things didn't make sense to me I chalked it up to him knowing more about this than me. But now I am not so sure...what was he thinking??? I am seriously considering talking to a lawyer and the college of physicians and surgeons. Hypocrates said "first, do no harm." Well putting someone through hell for four and a half months because you can't keep your mouth shut...is bloody well doing harm! Anyway...enough fuming...its good news. Now I just need to figure out what I am going to do about my wife. If you are not up to speed on that then read the early posts on here. Anyway guys...time to get some coffee...maybe I'll fume some more later. Happy blogging.

Comments

2004-11-14T20:36:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say a big thanks to the anonymous person who decided to tell me I am retarded. I think it speaks volumes towards their character and intellect that they decided not to leave a name.Now why is that? I mean its not like I could track him/her down anyway and really why would I want to? I have more important things to worry about don't you think? So what we basically have is someone without the guts to put a name to their comment, but yet someone who is arrogant enough to think I would waste my time doing so...make the mind spin doesn't it?

Business "Blogs" ????

2004-11-14T13:57:00.000-04:00

OK so tomorrow is D-Day. Diagnosis day. I have an 8:15am appointment at the Neurologist (assuming he shows up on time - don't hold your breath folks) and hopefully he will have something concrete to say from the MRI results. That's all I am going to say about my on-going MS scare because frankly I'm terrified and also because I think this blog is getting kind of depressing.

Instead I am going to go on a good old-fashioned rant. I signed up for Blogexplosion, love it, love the concept, if you haven't signed up yet then sign up...there's a link down on the left somewhere. The basis is that if you surf through other members blogs then you earn credits which in turn sends surfers to you. Wonderful, and I have even run across some blogs which are good fun to read. But then there are these business blogs...wtf is this? I mean ok fine if you want to blog then go ahead I don't care but if your blog is basically a website on small business management or advertising or whatever then why bother making it into a blog? For that matter does it even count as a blog? Isn't it just a website with regular updates? Gotta tell you I'm enjoying surfing for credits at BE but when I get to one of your sites I don't even bother reading I wait the 30 seconds and I am GONE. Maybe that makes me a bit of a jerk but hey..tomorrow I find out if I have an incurable brain disease so what are you going to do? I win :P

Blogs, Bars, and Walks on the Beach

2004-11-13T20:21:00.000-04:00

Have decided that I truly love reading people's blogs. Have been online a long time and have used just about every chat program out there but blogs open a window to the soul. Someone once said that people are stupid. I have to agree, as a group we are stupid, greedy, impetuous and generally not nice to be around. The same can be said of how we present ourselves on chat programs. On blogs however we let ourselves be known, our fears, hopes, ambitions and dreams. Its the difference between talking to someone drunk in a bar or spending an afternoon walking on the beach with someone. Of course it might be easier if we all got off the net and simply talked to one another but hey...I didn't make the world I just try to live in it.

spam/popups

2004-11-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

So I got an email last night from the nice folks at Blogexplosion, which by the way has turned out to be a truly excellent program. Apparently the Trafficswarm links box I had added was causing "adult" pop-ups once you exited my blog. You will notice it is now gone.I really don't understand pop-ups. Has anyone EVER gotten a pop-up and read it, liked what they saw and bought the product? I mean really, they are just annoying and counter-productive. Anyway Trafficswarm now has a big thumbs down from me.

Traffic

2004-11-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

Have listed blog on a number of directories and am experimenting with the ugly little links box from trafficswarm that you see down on the left now. Have to say I doubt trafficswarm will be here for long because it seems to be a spam tool. By spam I mean getrichquick/enlarge your body parts/ get a free computer by shelling peanuts/ work from home for an un-named corporation in Bogota type of thing. Its not so much that I am desperate for someone to read these inane ramblings but then if no-one is reading then I may as well write this in a real diary...except of course that I type faster than I can write....does anybody use a pen anymore? Anyway I am off to find something to eat and heat my house up...I HATE winter btw and if anyone wants the snow I will soon have drop me an email and we will arrange shipping.

Thank God for Coffee!

2004-11-10T15:03:00.000-04:00

I am soooo tired. I don't know if I just need more sleep or if this is a potential symptom. I am going to feel like the world's biggest hyperchondriac if Nasty Neurologist tells me on Monday that I don't have MS. Have to say I will obviously be happy but also will then be wondering what the heck is going on with me then? Maybe pins and needles are Carpal Tunnel...that would be nice. This is a weird place to be mentally. I dont want to seem like I am seeking attention but at the same time I want people to understand that I feel like crap and am an emotional train wreck too.

Wife is in city of Farfaraway right now. Was half-expecting her to call and let me know she got there ok. She hasn't called and I have made a pact with myself not to call her. I want her to take this week to decide what she really wants. This hasn't been discussed too openly but I think we both know that is what this week is really for...not to go see old friend's new baby, although I am sure that is a plus.

For me if I do have this disease then I have the additional problem of not wanting her to feel obligated to me. If she would honestly rather be with someone else, or just single then I would rather she do that then feel she has to stay with me just because I am going to get sicker. I'd rather be alone and deal with it than have someone with me who doesn't want to be. And to anyone reading this who is in that situation...trust me we can tell.

Well that was a rather vomit inspiring entry....look forward to something more upbeat soon.

Oh My God its Early

2004-11-09T06:27:00.000-04:00

Wife left today for city of Farfaraway for her weeks visit with an old friend. Was driven to the airport by "steve" haha. Actually not bothered by this, at least it gave me the chance to see what this guy looks like. Am actually starting to simply not care anymore. Have bigger things to worry about afterall. Was up at 3 and then 5 today. Wife was all excited to be leaving and couldn't sleep, so I couldn't sleep either. Plus my hands were driving me nuts, pins and needles is definately losing its novelty value here. Am actually kind of curious how long I have had them and not noticed since most of the time they are so slight that if I am touching anything else then I dont notice them.

Been spending a lot of time reading other blogs. Its a nice form of escapism to dive into someone else's life for a time. If you're out there looking for one try Queen of Sky's blog. She has been all over the news lately since she was fired from Delta Airlines for posting a photo of her in her uniform on her blog. Sounds a little extreme to me. Anyway her blog is easliy the funniest I have ever run across and..lets face it...mine is kind of depressing so far isn't it? Give her a whirl. http://queenofsky.journalspace.com/

Well son is awake now and so have to start thinking about breakfast and sending him off to school.

Coping

2004-11-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

So this is going to sound a little like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am a little. I mean I am probably about two months work away from completing my Masters degree but I can't concentrate on anything. All I can think about from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep is this MS thing. If I am not thinking about that, then odds are I am trying to figure out what Wife is up to. Not what she is doing but what she is trying to achieve. Have asked Wife point-blank if she wants out of this marriage and she responds no. What then? She's not trying to make marriage better so what does she want? Just to live in this platonic pseudo-marraige? ...a question for the woman of this world...are you willing to stay in a miserable situation simply to avoid the uncertainty of starting over?

M.S scares the hell out of me. Ever since NN (nasty neurologist) said he thought I might have MS then I have been noticing symptoms. Is this hypochondria? Paranoid placebo effect? Or simply stuff that I had been ignoring before? Incredibly annoying tingling sensation over shoulder-blade, pins and needles in hands and feet, amazing fatigue to the point that when I get up in the morning I feel like I havent slept. I've checked out the MS sites and these are not things that look good. Have to wait for diagnosis I suppose. All will become clear on the 15th. Incidentally wife will not be here for that, she flies to visit friend in city of Farfaraway on the 9th. So will be facing diagnosis alone. If I surrender to bitterness for a moment I could say that I've come this far into this mess alone so what is the big deal about facing diagnosis alone? But hey, smile...even if you have to ram a coat-hanger into your mouth.

Hi World Here I Am

2004-11-06T23:05:00.000-04:00

Hmm, well now that I have started this thing its almost hard to know where to start. Lets see, I suppose I will set up a profile later and make this next part irrelevant but some background is in order. Lets see I'm 29, male, married with one child and one step-child. Strongly suspect wife is having an affair and marriage is going sour either way, also might have multiple sclerosis. But lets start at the beginning.

March, wife comes home after going out to get junk food. Eats quickly and leaves to go to college she has a big presentation next day. Wife not home at midnight, finally arrives at 12:30am. Says she was at "Dan's" place studying. Oops. Dan was looking for her at 930 on msn messenger...so where were you wife? Oh I was actually at coffee with "steve" from work. So why lie?
This goes on and I am transformed magically into paranoidjealousman! With my spandex suit and underwear worn on the outside I can poison anyone's mind. Oh and the cape...never forget the cape.

Wife starts coming home from work late..finishes shift and doesn't get home for two hours or more...cellphone always turned off. Lots more things which seem too petty to mention here but what it adds up to is me becoming convinced that something is going on.

I'm not going to bother pretending I am the perfect husband and that I have never done anything wrong. We've both had online affairs and we've both put too little effort into the marriage. I probably reap what I have sown but that doesn't mean I have to like it does it? *insert petulant little pouty face here*.
We start counselling and after a session or two I state that I have dropped the notion of her affair. My reasoning is this; I will never know for certain, if she truly wants to go have an affair there is nothing I can do to stop her and in the end the "distance" between the two of us is more important anyway.

July. July I go to the doctor because of increasing headaches. I had a stroke back in 1998 and so headaches make me nervous...nothing like a three day coma to make you nervous about a headache! These headaches turn out to be a sinus infection but doc sends me to a neurologist for a check-up anyway.

Neurologist does a bunch of reflex tests and then proceeds to tell me he thinks I might have MS (multiple sclerosis for those who dont know). Have to say, hands down the best way to ruin someone's day. So shocked I don't even bother telling wife until that evening. Don't know what I think about it myself and was so shocked I didn't even bother asking nasty neurologist questions so how can I explain it to wife?

Nasty neurologist (NN) says he is going to send me for an MRI but that has a 4mnth waiting list. (smart people reading this will be asking why the hell he decided to say I might have MS if there is a 4mnth wait list for the test that will tell us.) So I sit and I wait for 4mnths real fun stuff really.

October - had MRI. DEFINATELY the best 45 mins I ever spent in a tube which sounds like a jack-hammer. Saw brain, now no-one can say I don't have one, still have to wait two weeks for results though.

Thats the basic background, I'll flesh it out later.